I am nothing without You. And it scares me to death.

Just woke up from a terrible nightmare. I don’t know why I keep having these reoccurring themes in my nightmares. Especially since I haven’t had a nightmare since I was little. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep because I know I’ll just wake up wanting to cry.

The reoccurring theme: You and I broken up.

Or like the one I just woke up from this morning: You and I were broken up and during that time, you started dating some ugly ass chic, then we got back together but you were still dating that chic while dating me. You were a player in my dream and I didn’t think any less of you. All I thought was that I needed to get rid of this ugly chic. Just thinking about it, I wish I could go back into my dream and kill this chic. Literally kill her.

I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I know my brain is just telling me that I’m at a very vulnerable state being so in love with You, and it keeps giving me these situations where I need to find you or get back to you so it can see how I would act to solve my problem(s). And every single time, I am a mess without You.

I am a mess without You in my dreams. I can’t even imagine in real life. I would cease to exist! I am so vulnerable when it comes to loving you. I’ve never been this vulnerable in my life, let alone jealous. Oh my god, I hate being jealous and every time I see that you’re hanging out with your friends (boys or girls) I get so jealous to the point where I don’t even want to talk to you in spite of absolutely nothing! Literally, I’m going crazy.

I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I want to cry. But I’m not going to. I cried once from the first nightmare where You told me to never speak to You again. I cried for a good half-hour, even when I knew it wasn’t real. And I told You everything. But I haven’t told You my other nightmares. And I especially won’t tell You about this morning’s nightmare. But I won’t shed another tear on a fake reality of a nightmare. It’s not worth it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve never been this jealous or vulnerable before about any guy in my whole entire life. I really do think You are the One, I mean, why else would I be in this state? This crazy-ass state of mind is just driving me nuts. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Am I going to have these nightmares for the rest of my life? Am I going to wake up as the mother of our children, still scared to death that you’re going to leave me for some ugly woman who has much more flaws compared to me? Am I going to have to write down every single nightmare I have, just to get these feelings out of me? And once I do, will they actually leave?

I am nothing without You. And it scares me to death.

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