Tag Archives: depression

I Remember

Duncan and I at 12 years old.
Duncan, 8, and I, 12, the day we put him down.

I remember waking up

but not what time.

I remember my father crying

but not knowing why.

I remember the drive to say goodbye

but not where we were headed.

I remember seeing him in pain,

but not being able to help.

I remember my parents talking to a doctor

but not about what.

I remember holding his paw

as he slowly drifted away.

Continue reading I Remember

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I am nothing without You. And it scares me to death.

Just woke up from a terrible nightmare. I don’t know why I keep having these reoccurring themes in my nightmares. Especially since I haven’t had a nightmare since I was little. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep because I know I’ll just wake up wanting to cry.

The reoccurring theme: You and I broken up.

Or like the one I just woke up from this morning: You and I were broken up and during that time, you started dating some ugly ass chic, then we got back together but you were still dating that chic while dating me. You were a player in my dream and I didn’t think any less of you. All I thought was that I needed to get rid of this ugly chic. Just thinking about it, I wish I could go back into my dream and kill this chic. Literally kill her.

I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I know my brain is just telling me that I’m at a very vulnerable state being so in love with You, and it keeps giving me these situations where I need to find you or get back to you so it can see how I would act to solve my problem(s). And every single time, I am a mess without You.

I am a mess without You in my dreams. I can’t even imagine in real life. I would cease to exist! I am so vulnerable when it comes to loving you. I’ve never been this vulnerable in my life, let alone jealous. Oh my god, I hate being jealous and every time I see that you’re hanging out with your friends (boys or girls) I get so jealous to the point where I don’t even want to talk to you in spite of absolutely nothing! Literally, I’m going crazy.

I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I want to cry. But I’m not going to. I cried once from the first nightmare where You told me to never speak to You again. I cried for a good half-hour, even when I knew it wasn’t real. And I told You everything. But I haven’t told You my other nightmares. And I especially won’t tell You about this morning’s nightmare. But I won’t shed another tear on a fake reality of a nightmare. It’s not worth it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve never been this jealous or vulnerable before about any guy in my whole entire life. I really do think You are the One, I mean, why else would I be in this state? This crazy-ass state of mind is just driving me nuts. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Am I going to have these nightmares for the rest of my life? Am I going to wake up as the mother of our children, still scared to death that you’re going to leave me for some ugly woman who has much more flaws compared to me? Am I going to have to write down every single nightmare I have, just to get these feelings out of me? And once I do, will they actually leave?

I am nothing without You. And it scares me to death.

The Death Of A First Pet Is Always A Life Changing Experience, Don’t You Think?

Wrote this for my English class. It isn’t due until Friday, and that’s only the ruff draft. This class is so simple, yet so slow! Anywho, let me stop my rambling and you enjoy this shit of a day I had to endure at the ripe age of twelve. Lovely, right?

Continue reading The Death Of A First Pet Is Always A Life Changing Experience, Don’t You Think?

One Year Anniversary of Fairytales!!!

I just want to thank all of my subscribers, fans, and random people who stumble upon my blog while being bored online for all the support you’ve given me. It’s been exactly one year today when I first posted on this blog. Thank you all so much again! I could not have done it without you! (:

– Jenny

I’ve Only Shed One Tear.

 

I’ve only shed one tear,

Because of you.

But I know I’ll shed more.

It’s undeniable.

You know I will.

Because of you,

You’ve shown me

What true happiness is,

What true laughter is,

What true love is.

Because of you,

You’ve shown me

What true sorrow is,

What true regret is,

What true heart break is.

I’ve only shed one tear,

Because of you.

But I know I’ll shed more.

Continue reading I’ve Only Shed One Tear.

Do Wishes Come True?

Okay, so I know I haven’t been on in FOREVER! I’ve been super busy with my senior prom and celebration afterwards (we went to Hershey Park by the way). But now that it’s over, I finally have time to post, which I’m pretty psyched about. :) So, back on topic.

 

 

Ever since I was little, I’ve wished. I’ve wished about ponies, about being a ballerina, about being the coolest most popular girl in school, about being pretty and boys liking me. Boys. I think that’s the one thing I’ve wished about the most in my life, so far.

I wish he would like me just as much as I like him.

I wish he would notice me and say hi.

I wish he would give me a flower.

I wish he would ask me to be his valentine.

I wish he would feel what I feel for him.

I wish, I wish, I wish. Man, have I wished a lot. Maybe it’s just the romantic hopeless lover deep inside of me that’s trying to get out, but every time I see a shooting star, or birthday candles, or it’s 11:11, I always wish for the same thing: For someone to love me for who I am and not want to change me except for the better.

So freaking cheesy that it’s melting onto your lasagna dish, I know. But hey, we’ve all got some part of the hopeless romanticism inside us. That’s the reason why I called this blog Fairytales. Because only in fairytales will all your wishes come true.

A while back I wrote an article for my Journalism course last semester particularly about this subject of love and fairytales. And during that time, I was in love. Well, maybe not the kind of love where you want to spend the rest of your days on Earth together and have tons of babies. But the kind of love that was mixed with a little teenage infatuation. Isn’t it the greatest feeling ever? …Nooooo, not really. But it’s close to the real thing. The point of the article was that even though true love can only be found in fairytales and in reality it’s nearly impossible, don’t lose hope.

Now back to wishes, every New Years Eve since I became a high school freshman, I’ve wished, just as the glitter ball in Time Square dropped, two things.

One: That I’d find my one true love this year.

And two: That I would not date anyone for the rest of the school year.

Now, of course I didn’t wish them during the same new year, that would just be contradictory. It changed every new year. However, neither one of them have come true. Now it’s pretty obvious that the second wish I can do all on my own, compared to the first. And this past new years I wished for the second one.

I took some time off, a little vacation, from boys, and it feels GREAT! It used to feel lonely being single and seeing everyone making out at school, so lovey dovey that made you want to vomit green with envy. But now, now, I actually enjoy being single. I haven’t given up on boys, I still flirt with them, I just don’t date them. Now not to sound conceited, however, there have been around seven boys since my last committed relationship where they either asked me on a date, to be their girlfriend, to go to prom with them, or just hook up. I declined every single one of their offers. I just feel like that’s not me anymore. I’m not going to throw myself at boys anymore, metaphorically speaking of course.

And to be honest, boys have wanted me more. All those silly romance novels and chic flicks are actually right, for once. Boys like a good chase, where you play hard to get. Here’s the thing though: I don’t want them. I don’t want a boyfriend at the moment. I don’t want to hook up with anyone. I just want to enjoy life happily and stress free. Oh my gosh, do you know how stressful boys can be? Yes, of course you do. I bet you’re saying the same for girls. Okay, how about this: Do you know how stressful relationships can be? Apparently very. And it’s taken me three and a half years to figure that out.

I used to think when I was little that being single was bad, it meant you’re a prude, or a lesbian, or a prostitute. Man, can you believe how much my mind was warped about relationships or what!? Crazy shiz right there. But being single isn’t about any of that. Being single doesn’t make you any of that. Being single makes you happy, it makes you see the greater things in life that your partner could be holding you back from. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to be able to flirt every now and then with whoever you want. Now that I’m boy-free I can finally enjoy myself. I enjoy the more simple things in life. For years, my life has revolved around boys and I just finally jumped off of the boy-crazed train that never stops.

Now, don’t believe for a second that I’m a lesbian, because I am NOT. I love men, I do. But every now and then it’s nice to jump out of the equation and take a break for a while. I mean, I’ve been on that boy-crazed train since I can remember. And I hated it when it went down hill. The only good times where went it went up hill, and I bet everyone agrees with me on this.

The whole point of this post was to state that I’m finally going to have my wish come true. There are many lessons that I learned from this experience.

One is that it’s always good to take a break from something that stresses you out, even if you love it.

The other is that if you really want your wish to come true, make one that is realistic and reasonable. One that can be reached, achieved. One that can come true. Because wishes don’t just come true in fairytales.