Tag Archives: loss

I knew this was too good to be true

I knew I was holding my subconscious emotions back.

No one goes from fiercely loving somebody to just… not.

I knew I was handling this heart break too well.

I wasn’t just surprising myself,

but my friends and family too.

I knew I was jumping back into casual dating too quickly,

to forget,

to move on.

I knew this was too good to be true.

With zero communication since it ended,

I’ve gone cold turkey.

Little reminders of you,

I tried hard to forget,

what you meant to me,

what you mean to me.

But love is everywhere.

You can’t ignore that.

At least, not forever.

I thought ignoring it

would make the pain less present.

I thought ignoring it

would make it easier to breathe.

I thought ignoring it

would make it easier to no longer love you.

I read today no communication is the only way to move on.

That until you know you’d feel okay

if you saw the one

you used to love

kissing someone else in the street,

no communication is the only way.

If I saw you

kissing someone else in the street,

I would hope I’d be okay.

But the thought of that right now,

has cracked my subconscious seal.

I’ve broken down.

I still love you.

I still want you in my life.

But I know you’re not my Mr. Right.

You were my Mr. Right Now.

You are my Mr. Wrong.

I deserve my Mr. Right,

but that won’t happen anytime soon

with me still loving you.

I knew this was too good to be true.

Jennifer Gioia (C) 2019

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My Final Goodbye

I haven’t written about love

… or loss…

in a couple of years.

Life can grow so busy and routine.

You forget to stop and appreciate the moment.

You forget to appreciate all you have.

You forget how to keep your love life one of worth and value.

And you fall into a rut.

Not everyone welcomes change with open arms.

Some look through the peephole when change comes knocking.

Some run upstairs and hide under the covers.

Some open the door halfway to see what change wants.

Some open the door all the way and invite change into their home.

When it came to graduating college,

I welcomed change into my home.

When it came to moving to a different state,

I welcomed change into my home.

But when it came to attempting a long distance relationship with the man I loved,

I thought I was welcoming change into my home…

But what I really was doing was looking through the peephole.

It took 10 months of long distance to realize I wore blinders.

It took 3 months to realize I had fallen out of love…

It took 1 month to realize I felt like I was single

and no longer in a relationship.

It took 4 months after that to realize I had been making excuses for you.

It took 1 month after that to realize I was grieving.

I had fallen out of love with you.

I wasn’t heartbroken,

but I was grieving.

You were supposed to be the one and only man for me.

You were supposed to support me.

You were supposed to love me.

Instead, you pushed me away,

and I don’t even think you realized it…

It took me 6 months after I broke up with you

to realize you had been slowly pushing me away

since 2015…

People ask me if I regret wasting so many years of my life on you,

so many months waiting for you to grow up.

5 and a half years with you.

They ask if you were holding me back.

I was working full-time,

attending graduate school part-time.

I would have my master’s degree in two years.

You didn’t even have an associate’s…

only unused credits.

8 months have gone by since I’ve broken up with you.

8 months of reflection.

8 months to realize maybe I held you back.

8 months to realize maybe we both held each other back.

When I ended things with you,

I had felt single for the longest time,

I had felt like I put my life on hold for you,

but now I felt free.

I jumped into overdrive.

I met men.

I bought my own car.

I moved into an apartment of my own.

I dated a few men for a short amount of time.

I found out how I deserve to be treated.

I found out what I want in a partner.

I found out what I need in a partner.

And I found out how to look for that.

But I am done.

I am done grieving.

I am done thinking over what could have been.

I am done thinking about all the wrong things that happened between us.

I no longer want to be held back by us,

by what we had.

I wish you the best,

I truly do.

I want you to figure your life out.

I want you to find love again.

I want you to be happy.

But this is my final goodbye.